Today after our Bible study time our leader asked us to think about sharing a time in our lives when God had turned anguish to joy. We are currently finishing up session 3 in "James: Mercy Triumphs" by Beth Moore. The study today was really good in a super painful kind of way. I realized that even in times where I can see God turn suffering/anguish to joy that I still remember the suffering. She related it to childbirth and this really fits. I have had three babies and all three labors were super filled up with pain and all resulted in precious life. What is crazy is after the first time this happened.... I did it again....and then again....and would do it again if Sammy would :)!
So here is my spiritual "birthing" story of sorts.
I was super sick this time last year. Like in the hospital a few times, confined to my bed, and attached to oxygen 24/7. This period lasted about 8 weeks give or take. I don't do sick well and don't do sit well....and I started to not to this time well. Somewhere in the middle of all this "alone time" I figured out I wasn't alone. I had lots of time to hear the thoughts in my head, lots of time to read the Word and then sit with it a while, and lots of time to wonder if there wasn't more to this relationship with Jesus thing.
You see I am work at girl. I mean if there is a work to be done for Jesus I will be signing up, showing up, and not leaving till its done. I would make it as loud, elaborate, and exhausting as possible....all the while saying I would never sign up again- only to be the first one again on the list....and the first one burnt plum out. I was white knuckle gripping Jesus as if He was going somewhere if I slowed or showed weariness. Then all of a sudden here I was was.....exhausted, sick, contagious, isolated, confused, and unable to work for anything.
What was I gonna do for Jesus in my bed? I literally remember asking myself that and just crying at the thought that He was disappointed in my sickness. This feeling sat with me a few days until I ended up back in the hospital. I was struggling with breathing and I remember just crying out in my quiet room (scared the life out of my sleeping husband) "God I just need a human touch to show me You are really here". The next thing I knew I felt two sweet hands on my back and sweet words being spoken to me. This sweet nurse and respiratory therapist were literally the hands of Jesus that night....right there in my suffering He was! I began to calm and breathe....and eventually went home.
When I got home I decided that a Jesus who would touch my back when I cried out was not a Jesus who was disappointment in my lack of being able to "work" for Him. I began to ask who He really was. I began to use my time stuck in bed to be stuck in the Word and in prayer. Truth about His identity and mine began to go deeper than head level and it was uncomfortably awesome. I realized in the quiet physical sickness that my spirit was sick too....sick with lies. Lies that I could earn grace, lies that He looked at me with disappointment, and lies that I could ever work hard enough. I began to ask for spiritual healing and physical healing came along too.
When I was able I went back to Bible study, only to find we were studying "Chains Falling" by Jamy Fisher. This study, the second time over, helped me out of my identity crisis.....and into an awakening. God birthed true heart knowledge of Him to me in my suffering. He turned my physical distress into an example of His tender touch. He turned my silent isolation into complete relationship with Him. And when I was ready.....when I was patched up and nursed back by Him....He let me go back to life with a purpose of loving Him. He gave me sisters I would have wasted before this suffering. He gave me breath again....that I know consider precious! He gave me confidence in who He is and who I am in Him. He even allows me to work a bit too......this time though He has the grip on me and I sit firmly in His hand. The anguish was worth birth!
Blessings,
Holly
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Find out Where God is Working and Join Him
I had a garage sale last weekend. Let me just start by saying I loathe them....garage sales. We decided to sell some furniture we had replaced to offset some of the cost of replacing it. So I can honestly say financially speaking this was the worst garage sale ever, but spiritually speaking it was the BEST!!
I was sitting in my lawn chair on the most beautiful Saturday morning- coffee in hand and cute hubby close by. He was talking away when all at once I begin to involuntarily ease drop on a conversation between two of my customers. On a side note, Sammy would at this point argue my eavesdropping is anything but involuntary and would call it nosiness. Anyway, the lady is saying that she wished I had more kids tennis shoes for sale because she has kids in her gym classes that need them. I at once apologized for my ease dropping, but asked her to tell me more. She explained that she taught elementary PE for a local school that was in an impoverished area. She told me that kids had a hard time having one pair of shoes that fit, let alone a pair of gym shoes to be worn during PE. Before I even knew what was coming out of my mouth I am taking down her number and reassuring her that I know of people that can help. I told her a bit about the Shawnee Rescue Mission and all they do for the area and how I am sure they have kids shoes. So we said our goodbyes and she left.
I was tempted at this point to freak out. She needed several pairs of shoes and I honestly had not been to the mission in some time to see what they had, but instead of freaking I just prayed over it during that day and the next. That next day I was texting back and forth with a dear friend who was finishing up the back to school drive for SRM, and I happened to mention the teacher who needed shoes. The text she sent in response nearly brought me to tears. The Shawnee Rescue Mission had received just a few days prior a donation of 96 pairs of new tennis shoes. They had the shoes, I had the feet, and God had the plan.
So today Noey and I headed for SRM and loaded up the van with shoes, school supplies, and candy too! We headed out to the school and even got to meet some of the precious kiddos that needed shoes. The teacher and kiddos were overjoyed and thankful. I got back in my car and just praised God for His provision. His plan is so much bigger than me and I am so so thankful for that. I praised Him for working in and thru the mission. I know SRM and their heart for children in our community. I could speak up in confidence to this teacher and say "we can help". I knew that the mission would load me up; and I knew God would provide shoes and so much more for His precious children. I learned a long time ago that you "find out where God is working and join Him", and He is working at SRM. I am so glad I got to join with Him there today!
Blessings All!
Holly E.
I was sitting in my lawn chair on the most beautiful Saturday morning- coffee in hand and cute hubby close by. He was talking away when all at once I begin to involuntarily ease drop on a conversation between two of my customers. On a side note, Sammy would at this point argue my eavesdropping is anything but involuntary and would call it nosiness. Anyway, the lady is saying that she wished I had more kids tennis shoes for sale because she has kids in her gym classes that need them. I at once apologized for my ease dropping, but asked her to tell me more. She explained that she taught elementary PE for a local school that was in an impoverished area. She told me that kids had a hard time having one pair of shoes that fit, let alone a pair of gym shoes to be worn during PE. Before I even knew what was coming out of my mouth I am taking down her number and reassuring her that I know of people that can help. I told her a bit about the Shawnee Rescue Mission and all they do for the area and how I am sure they have kids shoes. So we said our goodbyes and she left.
I was tempted at this point to freak out. She needed several pairs of shoes and I honestly had not been to the mission in some time to see what they had, but instead of freaking I just prayed over it during that day and the next. That next day I was texting back and forth with a dear friend who was finishing up the back to school drive for SRM, and I happened to mention the teacher who needed shoes. The text she sent in response nearly brought me to tears. The Shawnee Rescue Mission had received just a few days prior a donation of 96 pairs of new tennis shoes. They had the shoes, I had the feet, and God had the plan.
So today Noey and I headed for SRM and loaded up the van with shoes, school supplies, and candy too! We headed out to the school and even got to meet some of the precious kiddos that needed shoes. The teacher and kiddos were overjoyed and thankful. I got back in my car and just praised God for His provision. His plan is so much bigger than me and I am so so thankful for that. I praised Him for working in and thru the mission. I know SRM and their heart for children in our community. I could speak up in confidence to this teacher and say "we can help". I knew that the mission would load me up; and I knew God would provide shoes and so much more for His precious children. I learned a long time ago that you "find out where God is working and join Him", and He is working at SRM. I am so glad I got to join with Him there today!
Blessings All!
Holly E.
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