Today after our Bible study time our leader asked us to think about sharing a time in our lives when God had turned anguish to joy. We are currently finishing up session 3 in "James: Mercy Triumphs" by Beth Moore. The study today was really good in a super painful kind of way. I realized that even in times where I can see God turn suffering/anguish to joy that I still remember the suffering. She related it to childbirth and this really fits. I have had three babies and all three labors were super filled up with pain and all resulted in precious life. What is crazy is after the first time this happened.... I did it again....and then again....and would do it again if Sammy would :)!
So here is my spiritual "birthing" story of sorts.
I was super sick this time last year. Like in the hospital a few times, confined to my bed, and attached to oxygen 24/7. This period lasted about 8 weeks give or take. I don't do sick well and don't do sit well....and I started to not to this time well. Somewhere in the middle of all this "alone time" I figured out I wasn't alone. I had lots of time to hear the thoughts in my head, lots of time to read the Word and then sit with it a while, and lots of time to wonder if there wasn't more to this relationship with Jesus thing.
You see I am work at girl. I mean if there is a work to be done for Jesus I will be signing up, showing up, and not leaving till its done. I would make it as loud, elaborate, and exhausting as possible....all the while saying I would never sign up again- only to be the first one again on the list....and the first one burnt plum out. I was white knuckle gripping Jesus as if He was going somewhere if I slowed or showed weariness. Then all of a sudden here I was was.....exhausted, sick, contagious, isolated, confused, and unable to work for anything.
What was I gonna do for Jesus in my bed? I literally remember asking myself that and just crying at the thought that He was disappointed in my sickness. This feeling sat with me a few days until I ended up back in the hospital. I was struggling with breathing and I remember just crying out in my quiet room (scared the life out of my sleeping husband) "God I just need a human touch to show me You are really here". The next thing I knew I felt two sweet hands on my back and sweet words being spoken to me. This sweet nurse and respiratory therapist were literally the hands of Jesus that night....right there in my suffering He was! I began to calm and breathe....and eventually went home.
When I got home I decided that a Jesus who would touch my back when I cried out was not a Jesus who was disappointment in my lack of being able to "work" for Him. I began to ask who He really was. I began to use my time stuck in bed to be stuck in the Word and in prayer. Truth about His identity and mine began to go deeper than head level and it was uncomfortably awesome. I realized in the quiet physical sickness that my spirit was sick too....sick with lies. Lies that I could earn grace, lies that He looked at me with disappointment, and lies that I could ever work hard enough. I began to ask for spiritual healing and physical healing came along too.
When I was able I went back to Bible study, only to find we were studying "Chains Falling" by Jamy Fisher. This study, the second time over, helped me out of my identity crisis.....and into an awakening. God birthed true heart knowledge of Him to me in my suffering. He turned my physical distress into an example of His tender touch. He turned my silent isolation into complete relationship with Him. And when I was ready.....when I was patched up and nursed back by Him....He let me go back to life with a purpose of loving Him. He gave me sisters I would have wasted before this suffering. He gave me breath again....that I know consider precious! He gave me confidence in who He is and who I am in Him. He even allows me to work a bit too......this time though He has the grip on me and I sit firmly in His hand. The anguish was worth birth!
Blessings,
Holly
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