"Saving Pearls"

Disclaimer: This is long....it was hard to share but I know I had to- to go further with God so I am sharing its very honest and not a great picture of me....so proceed with Grace :)

I know, like the way you know you know something, in my heart and soul I am saved by faith and grace alone. And still there is a part of me that goes back to how hard I can work for my salvation.....there is a place of such legalism I can go to that it leaves me at a place isolated from the Lord. Let me be clear....He is there...I am not I am in a place of checklists of items to make myself a "super Christian" and if any of you have the same tendency than you know that is an empty place full of just days of distracting yourself from true intimacy with God. It has taken me a LONG time to accept this tendency of mine, being in that in most other areas of my life I am not legalistic and on the whole am somewhat laid back. I spent last year on an amazing journey of discovering Jesus. I mean like really talking to Him...not in some fancy prayer language that I just had to master....but in like "Holly language". Some examples would be "Lord help me want to talk to you everyday" or "Lord make me care more about what you think of me than what (fill in the blank) thinks of me". It was through theses sort of non-scheduled sporadic simple prayers I really felt Jesus. It was amazing and it began a really tough process of looking at myself and seeing some tough stuff. Like.....I like to "serve" the Lord more than actually spend time with Him, and I actually run and isolate when I am going through a trial rather than relying on Him, and that I really like the approval of others to a fault. So these things were really great to figure out, but it left me thinking okay now what. I know theses are issues Lord so I am fixed- YAY!!! WRONG.....I realize now that these are things He was showing me to give me discernment over my situations to be offensive against the enemy who would like no more than to exploit these "push buttons". Well as I grew closer the enemy also grew more afraid.....his tatics began to push on me....you see the enemy wants nothing more than for you "not to get it"....true intimacy with Christ. I spent that last six months of last year slowly falling into a trap of legalism. I was growing closer with God so I thought okay....faith without works is dead, and it is, so I must do some work. Well, I started serving everywhere I could and I began looking for the "biggest" thing I could do for God. I acted first....prayed later at best....and began the "list" and "comparison" game once again. I mean don't get me wrong we should serve and we should be obedient to Christ in the work He has for us, but I wasn't doing that. I was just working and serving for me because I thought well I am growing so I need to be serving, and then it was well I can't just wait on God....He isn't directing me...so I will direct and it will be fine. My thought process then was well if I am deciding what I will do for God then I have to do the biggest and best thing....the thing that gets the most attention and is the hardest....fill in the blank. For me it was be an international missionary. It was big, it was bold, and it received the most praise from others. So we set out on this journey only to get every door....and I do mean every door slammed in our face. Well if you have ever met me...you know that slammed doors mean to push harder or dig a tunnel under. So the end of last year was spent fighting with Sammy about going or staying....stitching together my own plans....and pulling away from God and pushing my own agenda. It left me tired....frustrated.....with a confused hubby.....and a hurt heart. How did I get right back where I had figured out how not to go AGAIN.....so I started the year like I started last year praying alot. I pulled away a bit from sharing about this part of our lives, not for fear of what people would think, but because I had to figure out what I thought. Part of me was really mad....I thought at first at God but really I was mad at me....I mean why can't we do this for you God???? I mean I remember thinking "God you can make these doors open if you want to" or "I would be really good at this job and you really need me to do this"....I know its painful even to type but its true!! So after my self depreciating prayers I began just sit before Him. I was just waiting to listen really literally saying nothing. I was laden with guilt....about everything about not going to be a missionary, about not serving enough, about not blessing others enough, about not doing enough for God. Guilt had side-lined me and I was tired of it. So one day it was quiet....Noah was sleeping and the big kids wanted to watch T.V. so I turned it on....and walked, somewhat I am convinced involuntarily, to my closet. I sat down and shut the door....it was dark all accept the light that was peeking from through from the bottom of the door. Praying in my closet wasn't really weird for me...I have adult ADD I think so in the past I came there when I was walking really close with God and needed to really focus with no distractions. So here I was....I wasn't sure why but I was there. I began to just worship God....I just said "You are holy" over and over again....then I began to cry and just ask, without words but in my heart, why I couldn't do this for Him, why I couldn't go wherever for Him, why He couldn't just make this happen for me, why I couldn't do big things for His glory....and then I opened my eyes and looked up the and a pearl bracelet of mine caught my attention. It was hanging on a jewlry rack on my closet wall and the light caught the pearls just enough for me to take notice, and as I looked at the bracelet I remember thinking man that is pretty.....and God began to bring back to me several snap shots of moments He had allowed me to be a blessing to someone for His glory.....these were really random moments that I had never thought brought Him glory....I hadn't even mentioned most of them to Sammy I mean I only talked about the big things I got to do. As I watched this slide show in my head it was like He was stringing together these really beautiful pearls....one by one....little by little.....these moments where pleasing to Him because it brought Him glory not me. I loved that prayer moment....but I am still understanding His full lesson for me.....I know now that I had made service for Him about glory for me.....and that He has something for me to do I just need to be ok with what it is. I am not saying that His plan isn't for us to go to the ends of the earth spreading the Gospel...maybe it is....what I am saying is He is making my heart okay with the fact it might not be....it might just be taking a sack of groceries to a struggling family.....or taking out the trash at the rescue mission.....He is stringing together pearls in life to make something beautiful for His glory. He is daily reminding me that it is an honor to serve Him and it has to be about Him and not me and not anyone else!! So I guess He has freed me up now to serve where He calls.... So my job in this.....is to treasure those pearls and obediently follow where He tells me to go to gather more!!! So now I wake up daily looking for pearls......