It starts and ends at home....

I married up! That is for sure and anyone who knows my husband knows this is true. God completely blessed me with this man who knows just how to handle me and this is no small feat! Sammy is at his core a man after God's heart, and as his wife I am super thankful for that. He often says things that I think warrant repeating, but honestly most often times he is so on a different page than I am spiritually, I just do well to listen, pray, a tag along behind him where he leads us. He is always reading something ,but rarely posts anything on fb other than Scripture and I love that about him. That is just "how he rolls" so if he says it, reposts it, or gives an opinion on it - I listen up. The other day he posted the following on fb take a read :)


Contrary to our event-centered, leader-oriented, excitement-driven view of childhood training, the Bible seems to suggest that children learn best about true faith in the simple, mundane things of life, in watching parents honor God in the midst of the normal rhythms of everyday life........Though they may buttress our parenting, we do not "need" flashy children's programs or charismatic youth speakers. We need to be godly parents whose lives back up our faith.

- The Essential Edwards Collection on True Christianity

I read this and then read it again because honestly its Jonathen Edwards as translated by John Piper....it warrants reading twice. Once it began to soak into my brain in "holly language" it was just beautiful. I love when something the Lord has Sammy reading echos something He is telling me. Its so true- think about it. We go to this AMAZING church with AMAZING leadership and I am so thankful for our youth leaders and children's ministers for all they do and how they love our kids. My kids love them too! The coolest thing about this quote for me is that I have heard them echo it too...in words but most of all in their lives. On separate occasions I have seen both families teach, disciple, and love their own children in the name of Jesus. Their day to day lives glorify Him not just their jobs!! I have even heard our youth pastor say that how we as parents live makes the most difference in our children's lives and walks with Christ. I just love it!!

Now as for my hubby as a father- AMAZING!!! He is one of those dads that takes the time to explain the "why" and answer the questions over and over. He indulges our kids in their curiosity and is quick to talk about the Lord always. He never creates "teaching moments" but is always quick to notice them. I am so thankful that in the day to day "routine" of life my kids see daddy loving Jesus by the way he talks, acts, listens, prays, and loves! The fact he would take time to re-post this shows how close it is to his heart, and makes me just sit back and say "God, You are faithful". I had prayed since I was young for a man after God's heart, and He is faithful, and my kids are reaping the blessing!! So thanks honey for the reminder...it starts at home and ends there! There is a generational impact for the Kingdom and God intends to use the family first and then the church- AMAZING!!

A Good Dose of Truth

I will spare you all the details...mostly because I am not sure you all are ready for the full picture of how my mind works-SCARY...but I will tell you I am so thankful for TRUTH! This mornig God reminded me of an important TRUTH through a dear fried of mine Rebekah. I was strugglig with some things and really needed to reminded that when my walk with the Lord is right my life will right. Sometimes I get really caught up in decsions, choices, jobs/ministries, life stuff and neglect heart stuff. The Lord is concerned with the condition of my heart not with how busy my hands are. If my heart is right He will establish the work of my hands. I just happened by her house for an unrealated purpose to this and God just spoke to my heart. She was sharing in respect to a trip she had recently been on to N. Africa and about how simple it is to tell of loving Jesus and Jesus loving us. And with every word she spoke it was as if the Lord was uncomplicating what I had seemed to complicate yet again. Love me and love people....love me and love people..is what I heard over and over again. It was freeing...He was freeig me from the legalism and relegion I had began to let take over my thoughts and life. Then the words from John 8:32 found me "Then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you free". You see never is walking with Christ bound in leagalism or relgion but in love. I am free from the mundane, the materail, the lie! Free to walk in TRUTH! Life gets foggy and truth can become hard to see but it is there. I would encourage you to have a friend or a close cirle of "truth tellers" in your life so that you are set free! Thank you sweet Rebekah!

What I hope to teach my kids....

Its been a while my blogger family and while I would love to catch everyone up with what has been going on the last three months its just not what I feel like writing about. We have had a crazy three months between sickness and business, but what I want to talk about today is closer to my heart. Anyone who knows me well knows I was born to be a wife and a momma. I wear the badge of mom proudly and devote most of my time to the task. I will say this about the last three months; it has given me some much needed time to think and slow down. Sammy and I believe that every good and bad thing the Lord allows into our lives for a purpose of His glory. That is a really big thought and I spend a lot of time searching through Scripture and pondering its full meaning. And I admit I have yet to scratch the surface of the full meaning of this, but I do know that He uses my life in simple ways to bring Him glory- by being a momma!

The past three months I have been physically unable to busy myself with business, and when I tried He slowed me down by whatever means necessary! I love to be busy and I don't sit well, but during this season the Lord has really impressed on my heart a desire to be so purposeful with what I teach my children. As words like happiness, success, the value of education, kindness, passion, love all flowed through my head none of them seemed to really resonate with what I felt God wanted me impress on them. I did want all those things but the core of what I want them to know is very different. I really want my kids to know God. I have spent more time in the Word the last three months than ever, and I don't tell you this for an accolade but instead to say that a life saturated with the Word is a life burdened to share it. I have had more meaningful and purposeful conversations with my husband and children lately because the Word has saturated my heart (blog post about that soon). As I have been doing a study in Hosea (Chains Falling by Jamy Fisher check it out)I have been completely overwhelmed for the first time with the relentless love of God. When I say overwhelmed I am talking about that feeling that keeps your leg shaking with excitement, or keeps you up at night with your mind running, and the kind of feeling that leaves you wanting to make sure you live in such a way that the people in your influence really understand what you are talking about. So with that feeling on the tips of my fingers and tongue I set about to mother in a way that shows my kiddos they are precious and chosen by God.

Practically this has meant me praying for them ALOT more. We have started memorizing chunks of Scripture, put to motions to help them remember, in an effort to give them Truth with them always! This has meant always loving them to their benefit, which sounds easy but practically it means correcting behavior when it would be more conducive to my schedule to just give in.

The big picture that God has given me is but a Small glimpse of what I am sure He has planned for these three miracles I am entrusted with. At the end of my time as the main influence on their lives I hope they walk away totally in love and in total abandonment to God. My hope isn't for them to be blessed for that will surely come to a life yielded to God, but rather that they desire above themselves to be a blessing.

Whew....that is a big job given to me!! How could I ever not think that what He has for me isn't important. How can I not give Him this too and say use this family for your glory. Use us to bless others generationally and relationally- just use us!! This is what I hope I teach you my beautiful precious children!

So pray for me as this is a bid deal...this parenting thing! I will pray for you and keep me accountable to the Word that I may love and live in a way that these babies know they are loved by the Creator and known by Him...Jeremiah 1:5

A Great Decison

I have made a few, very few, great decisions in my life and one of them occurred a bit over 10 years ago. You see a little over 10 years ago became Mrs. Anwer Ehtisham (that is Sammy for those who don't know his real name). It was a GREAT decision...one of those things you just "know you know". I knew it was right and I felt God in it and it was easy...its those kinds of decisions I am very thankful for.
We celebrated our anniversary in the Mayan Rivera and that was also a great decision :)! This was the first time I had ever left our little ones for that long...and while it was hard....and I knocked Sammy over trying to get back in the door the see them lol...it was a much needed time of uninterrupted talking and laughing, being together, and getting one anothers undivided attention- in short if was perfection!
As I have been thinking about what I most wanted to say about this major milestone a common theme of decisions kept coming up. I mean I could rattle on and on about how wonderful our marriage is and how "perfect" we are for one another and how we never fight and its always easy....I think it better to be real! The truth is that the first decision of "saying yes" was easy and effortless but its the decisions that God has allowed and guided us through since then that have made us "us". Its the times when one of us chose to be the strong one, or when one of us chose to say I am sorry, or the time when we chose to let some trivial disagreement go, or when one of us chose to show up even when we didn't want to that day, or when we chose to like the other one when it was hard, and we chose grace over blame time and time again. I guess I am most proud to say that God has allowed us to make some great choices over the last 10 years....choices apart from Him we wouldn't of made. You see I know that God's plan was for me to be Sammy's wife and for Sammy to be my husband...not because we necessarily perfectly complimented each other or because our love would be effortless...but because it was "best" for me and for him and best to accomplish His kingdom purpose! We have been entrusted these children for a short time and my prayer is always to show them what a marriage rooted and established in the Lord looks like.....it never looks perfect but it is always filled with grace....after all its that extension of Divine grace that makes any and all of the other stuff possible!!
So Sammy: I say thank you for choosing God's will, for choosing me, for choosing strength, and for always choosing grace! I have been challenged to grow spiritually by you daily (and sometimes just been challenged by you lol)! Its been far "better" than "worse" and even in the worse thanks for "choosing" to stick it out! I know that what God has made in us in unbreakable....and I honestly can say that saying yes to you was a great great decision. I love you and like you and can't wait for the next years :)!!

The Loose Tooth

Well this might not truly be "blog worthy" to some but to us it is!!! Last night sweet Hannah Paige lost her first tooth. It had been loose for about two weeks or so now and she was faithfully wiggling it! Well last night it came out. It was quite the family event; Daddy pulled the tooth, Ethan held the plastic bag for the tooth, mom videoed, Noah slept :), and Hannah was a brave girl! She had the best most excited expressions it was so fun!! The video is priceless and so is her now not so "toothy" smile!! When the excitement was over and she drifted off to sleep...Sammy and I having been contracted by the tooth fairy :) tiptoed in and made the trade. As we looked at the small little tooth in the bag...I was reminded of when she first got teeth. She has always been very calm and layed back and about the only sign of teething she ever showed was drool...and lots of it...she would wake up and have a new tooth. I remember that same bright smile and those same excited expressions of every new milestone. Time has allowed me many sweet snap shots of this little miracle girl growing up....and I reminded tonight that all things "kiddo" should be treasured and rejoiced over. So tonight is bittersweet...for I know that there will be many more loose teeth, then it will be first dances, first time at camp, first dates, first heartaches, graduations, college, jobs, marriage, motherhood...okay now I am very sad! Now really its a small tooth, I know, but a big deal all the same and the "first" of many "firsts" to come!!

Summer Sleepovers

Last night my Hannah Paige had yet another sleep over with her cousins...Alli Ann and Bella Boo!! These girls are all very close in age and are always together....which I LOVE!! Yesterday and last night reminded me that they are all getting too big. I overheard a lot of " oh my gosh", "are you for real", and "no way". I also heard a rather lengthy discussion about how Selena Beiber "just doesn't sound right". It was too funny!!! They swam, dressed up, did make up, ate junk, and watched a movie. Then this morning they finally woke up about 9:20 or so...after I was asked more than once to "stop tickling me" and "quit trying to wake me up"....I couldn't resist they were all too cute!! I pray they are always close and remember these fun summer sleep overs!!

Unfamiliar Quiet

I am currently sitting in a very quiet house....there is not a t.v on anywhere and Buzz Lightyear must have made to beyond infinity...so all is still and silent lol! This almost never happens, me all alone at my own home that is. You see tonight Noah Samuel has been snuggled down in his bed for 45 plus minutes and my biggies and hubby left for a late movie (oh the joys of summer and late bedtimes)so that leaves little ole me! I cherish this time and really try to savor it because I know it doesn't come around often :)!! I normally spend the first 15 minutes of it in such shell shock that its actually happening that I accomplish...well nothing. Then I settle in the quiet and just exist for a bit. I am, according to my hubby, a free spirit and a bit spontaneous so I never quite use this time the same way as some would. Sometimes its a hot bath, other times a good book, a meaningless t.v show, a long un-interrupted conversation with a dear friend, painting toenails, painting a bathroom, moving furniture, eating a lot of junk, or the list just goes on. The only constant in this situation is the quiet...ah the quiet. It is a sound that as a mom I don't hear often, but it makes me treasure it all even more. Tonight I find myself in a quiet enough space to listen to the soundtrack of my life....I look and listen to this empty house and can't help but see my babies lounging on this furniture, toys hanging out from the edges of everywhere, laughter and even at times screaming coming from every room at different times. I can hear the sound of the cereal as it falls all over the floor because Ethan didn't realize it was open, and the milk splatter on the tile because the jug was heavier than Hannah thought, and the loud "bonk" of Noah's head on the granite (that just last month he wasn't tall enough to hit) and I feel comforted. All kinds of sounds occur in this house all day long....sometimes Sammy will call during the day and hear the insanity and say "what in the world is that" and I will say "what"...I don't even hear it....like I said its just the sounds of my life...its normal even expected....but tonight in the quiet I am able to hear it all...see it all. Sometimes we need a little quiet to make us appreciate the noise! I guess I am just thankful for both a home bursting with noises of love and family...and also thankful for moments of silence to realize it. Take a minute and just exist in your home and life....and listen...life has a beautiful melody!!

Friends as therapy....

Fair warning this post isn't deep and I doubt it will be "life changing" its really just the reflection of my thankful heart. I am so blessed to have a lot of friends....and I love them each new and old dearly! That being said I have very few "besties" as is the term used today :)! While I really am much like an open book as far as my opinions, choices, etc go there are parts of myself reserved only for the truly brave at heart....the "girls"! I must also before going on say that my ultimate best friend is my hubby....he really knows me in away no one else does...that said he is probably even more thankful for my "besties" than I am!!! These women who I am proud to call my best friends have known me for what feels like a lifetime. We have literally grown up together....we have seen one another through death, life, marriage, divorce, sickness, career change, and every other valley and peak you can think of. We have enough "dirt" on the other to write about 10 best sellers and we all have enough amazing stories to share we could write 10,000 mushy friendship greeting cards (which isn't any of our styles so that won't be happening...lol). These women over the years have worn several hats for me....but two things have remained constant they are always truthful and always love me. Now....we don't always agree but we always support each other! They have shown me loyalty like no other and they have jumped to do my defense time and time again. We have reached a place in our lives were we make time for one another....we may not talk daily (although we usually do) but we pick up right where we left off before. My husband often sends me to them when I have a breakdown and he has pulled out all the stops....he gives that look of "I haven't a clue what to do with you" and that is when I know a gno is a must!! Whether its lunch or dinner (always over Mexican food) or a nice long conversation...I always leave feeling better....having laughed, cried, laughed again! These women have been my therapy! I am blessed to walk through this life with them....they make me feel like being me (flaws and all) is ok and more than that is what they most love about me. I am proud to call them my friends...really my sisters! So call your friend, text, post on fb, whatever say how lucky you know you are and treasure free therapy :)!!

Things are starting to stick!

I love when we have the opportunity to serve as a family....like at the Shawnee Rescue Mission. It does get a bit tricky at times with Noah man being at a very busy age....okay lets face it there are times its next to impossible and the only way to describe our "service" is as "character building" for me :)! All that said we still go....my hope is always that us just being together and serving the poor will somehow impress upon them the great love Jesus has for all people.....and also that since we have been given much- much is what we should give back. So last night we took our precious youth kiddos and our kiddos and spent a while packing grocery boxes for needy families/persons. It was a rare night where everyone got to serve and here is what I learned from last night.

First, there is nothing like watching your husband serve and enjoy it. Sammy hasn't always been comfortable at the rescue mission- he wouldn't mind me saying that. He loves Jesus but the loving others was a bit hard for us until last year. I have seen God answer so many of my prayers for Sammy to be the Spiritual leader in our home(which meant mostly that God had to teach me to be submissive- those who know me know only God could do this) and for Sammy to love Jesus above us. Over the last year or so I have bee privileged to watch Sammy fall in love with Jesus.....above money, above career, above me and his children, and above himself! AMAZING!!! Don't get me wrong Sammy has always been a "nice guy" you know one of the good ones....but now he is a "broken for Jesus" kind of guy- ya know :)! So Jesus taught me last night yet again that He is faithful to answer the prayers of the faithful....and I am a humbled and blessed wife!

Second, he showed me what a surrendered heart in a teenager can look like. Our discipleship kids are nothing short of AMAZING!! I have two girls Bryse and Lydia and they love love love our kids. I am not sure if they realize how much it means to us as parents that our kids get to see teenagers living for Christ! These girls have both been to help us serve and their hearts for the Lord encourage me. Sammy has Drew in discipleship and he too is amazing. He loves our kids plugs in with them and they have all become a part of our family!! Last night in particular the they took their spots happily on the assembly line....with Hannah and Ethan right in the mix of it. They served with gladness and happy hearts. The Lord taught me the power that a young person yielded to Jesus can have!!

Third, He taught me that Hannah and Ethan get it. I sometimes wonder if they really understand why we do some of the things we do....or make some of the choices we make....and He constantly reminds they do and He is growing them into Him!! Hannah and Ethan served with happy hearts for the entire couple hours we were there. No real complaining and with JOY- something most of us adults need to learn! At one point I heard them making matches with soups- like the match game! So once we were home we got them ready for bed, and I asked Hannah if she had a nice time and she said to me "Yeah momma we should go every week because Jesus fed a lot of people tonight....we were part of a miracle". That tickled my heart! And when I told Ethan I was proud of how he had served he said, "well mom that is what prophets do". He has recently started telling us he is going to be a prophet when he gets big....while we have some explaining to do about this it is amazing....he says he wants to be one because they get to see God....and I quote "if you do really good at being a prophet God just takes you right up to heaven to be his friend like Elijah". At least they are listening and serving the Lord with gladness!

The last thing I was reminded of last night was that Jesus loves the hurting. What he has done at the mission over the last couple of years is humbling. His hand is at work there and he has given us a mission field ripe for the picking just waiting for laborers. He meets tangible needs there weekly, but He also becomes living water to many every week....who will now never thirst again. Over 100 families will receive groceries and last week 8 people received Christ! Thank you Jesus for showing us how to love! We are all the same distance from God's grace apart from Jesus.....love seeing that gap bridged with Salvation.

Now, just so no one is left thinking wow everything in their house is perfect etc.....this is my blessing day after days of the kids and mom not wanting to do school, my almost four year old wetting 2 beds in one night (I have no idea how that happens), and me trying to rush God and my hubby into a decision, a week of way over-eating, and repentance on my part for secretly wanting to drop kick Ethan for wetting two beds( how is that for honesty I didn't do it- Sammy promptly prayed over me at this point). Okay so its still crazy and on most days a beautiful disaster at best.....but we are learning and some things are sticking!!!

Things you would know if you knew me well...

I am a little troubled today from an encounter I had a while back with a person I would describe as an acquaintance. I am using that word to describe someone that I know basic information about; name, number of children, where they work, and also a person that I would trade common courtesies with when we bump into each other. I feel lucky to have lots of "acquaintances"! I live a pretty small community so it is fairly easy to "know" or "know of" people. So this acquaintance of mine happened to share with me the enjoyment she got from reading my facebook posts and my blog. She was even able to share with me a particular story I had blogged/posted about and add that she really thought "I had it all figured out". I of course said "thanks so glad you enjoyed it, but really I don't have it figured out" and then we both chuckled and we said goodbye. Honestly, I am always a bit shocked when anyone, acquaintance or not, mentions even having read my posts let alone that they like them. On facebook I just really post randomly, and while my blogs are somewhat more thoughtful they are still just at best my musings....sometimes the only conversationally charged outlet I get in a day:)! What this encounter really showed me was just how wrong perception can be. I mean in today's day and age of technology we can all feel like we know each other without really knowing each other. I have fb friends that I haven't seen in 10years but I know what they ate for breakfast, have seen their child's latest school picture, and I can tell what book they are currently reading judging by their fave quotes. Don't get me wrong this "glimpse" into daily life has its perks! Its a great way to keep up with people and a great way to see pictures and all, but it can also make us think we know someone when we really don't. I began to look back at some of my blogs and posts....and while I will say it wasn't my intention to only paint a positive side, I can see how someone knowing me only from those would think "she might have it all together". Speaking only for myself, because I have several friends who are much better about being real, I typically post during either quiet moments, good days when I actually have time to think, and after I have maybe "figured out" something I have been pondering. That of course influences the posting....for instance when the kids have good and the day is quiet I have time to muse, or if everyone is happy and funny I am more apt to notice a story to share, or once I have prayed and prayed and prayed some more I blog about what God revealed. What isn't reflected on my posts/blogs all the time (there were a couple) that you would know if you knew me well:
1. I am at heart a free spirit who trys really hard to be organized and scheduled....only to most of the time lose stuff, cram stuff in a closet, and show up 10 minutes late for everything
2. I must have at least 2 (and my husband would say 3)cups of coffee before I am safe to approach in the morning
3. I love to cook...I hate to cook....I am indecisive at best
4. I will commit to a lot of stuff for fear of saying no and then complain I am too busy
5. I often find myself saying "sorry" to my kids for sinning in my anger (that was even hard to type)
6. I do use bribery with my children....I am not above it
7. I do not return phone calls.....my true friends know this all too well
8. When Sammy and I argue it is typically because I am in a mood and choose to pick a fight, and most all the things I say about him during those arguments are really true about me (I hope he doesn't read this!)
9. I constantly second guess myself
10. I like to eat whole food and be healthy when I can....but I really like french fries ALOT
11. My house is clean and my laundry is most of the time done....but my car is a pit and my closet well we won't even go there
12. I spend too much time of fb
13. I still care way too much about what people think
14. There is atleast one day a week my children and I (yes even me) stay in pajamas most of the day (we change before dad comes home to give the appearance that we are responsible)
15. I hate stress....and under stress I am not very nice
16. I set my children in front of the TV sometimes to get housework done (yes I do not proud of it but its true)
17. I will choose playing with my kids over my "to do list"
18. Who am I kidding....I can't find a pad or a pen to make a "to do list"
19. I cry at almost anything sad or happy....and its getting worse with age
20. I worry....even though I claim my motto is :"Never hurry never worry" (great words of wisdom from "Charlotte's Webb"
and those are just off the top of my head :)! My purpose in this isn't to paint a bad picture of me, but rather just to say there is more to me than fb and my blog. I am so glad people like to read this stuff.....this is just my effort to "keep it real". We can really be anything we want to be on Internet....I just want to be me flaws and all!!

"Saving Pearls"

Disclaimer: This is long....it was hard to share but I know I had to- to go further with God so I am sharing its very honest and not a great picture of me....so proceed with Grace :)

I know, like the way you know you know something, in my heart and soul I am saved by faith and grace alone. And still there is a part of me that goes back to how hard I can work for my salvation.....there is a place of such legalism I can go to that it leaves me at a place isolated from the Lord. Let me be clear....He is there...I am not I am in a place of checklists of items to make myself a "super Christian" and if any of you have the same tendency than you know that is an empty place full of just days of distracting yourself from true intimacy with God. It has taken me a LONG time to accept this tendency of mine, being in that in most other areas of my life I am not legalistic and on the whole am somewhat laid back. I spent last year on an amazing journey of discovering Jesus. I mean like really talking to Him...not in some fancy prayer language that I just had to master....but in like "Holly language". Some examples would be "Lord help me want to talk to you everyday" or "Lord make me care more about what you think of me than what (fill in the blank) thinks of me". It was through theses sort of non-scheduled sporadic simple prayers I really felt Jesus. It was amazing and it began a really tough process of looking at myself and seeing some tough stuff. Like.....I like to "serve" the Lord more than actually spend time with Him, and I actually run and isolate when I am going through a trial rather than relying on Him, and that I really like the approval of others to a fault. So these things were really great to figure out, but it left me thinking okay now what. I know theses are issues Lord so I am fixed- YAY!!! WRONG.....I realize now that these are things He was showing me to give me discernment over my situations to be offensive against the enemy who would like no more than to exploit these "push buttons". Well as I grew closer the enemy also grew more afraid.....his tatics began to push on me....you see the enemy wants nothing more than for you "not to get it"....true intimacy with Christ. I spent that last six months of last year slowly falling into a trap of legalism. I was growing closer with God so I thought okay....faith without works is dead, and it is, so I must do some work. Well, I started serving everywhere I could and I began looking for the "biggest" thing I could do for God. I acted first....prayed later at best....and began the "list" and "comparison" game once again. I mean don't get me wrong we should serve and we should be obedient to Christ in the work He has for us, but I wasn't doing that. I was just working and serving for me because I thought well I am growing so I need to be serving, and then it was well I can't just wait on God....He isn't directing me...so I will direct and it will be fine. My thought process then was well if I am deciding what I will do for God then I have to do the biggest and best thing....the thing that gets the most attention and is the hardest....fill in the blank. For me it was be an international missionary. It was big, it was bold, and it received the most praise from others. So we set out on this journey only to get every door....and I do mean every door slammed in our face. Well if you have ever met me...you know that slammed doors mean to push harder or dig a tunnel under. So the end of last year was spent fighting with Sammy about going or staying....stitching together my own plans....and pulling away from God and pushing my own agenda. It left me tired....frustrated.....with a confused hubby.....and a hurt heart. How did I get right back where I had figured out how not to go AGAIN.....so I started the year like I started last year praying alot. I pulled away a bit from sharing about this part of our lives, not for fear of what people would think, but because I had to figure out what I thought. Part of me was really mad....I thought at first at God but really I was mad at me....I mean why can't we do this for you God???? I mean I remember thinking "God you can make these doors open if you want to" or "I would be really good at this job and you really need me to do this"....I know its painful even to type but its true!! So after my self depreciating prayers I began just sit before Him. I was just waiting to listen really literally saying nothing. I was laden with guilt....about everything about not going to be a missionary, about not serving enough, about not blessing others enough, about not doing enough for God. Guilt had side-lined me and I was tired of it. So one day it was quiet....Noah was sleeping and the big kids wanted to watch T.V. so I turned it on....and walked, somewhat I am convinced involuntarily, to my closet. I sat down and shut the door....it was dark all accept the light that was peeking from through from the bottom of the door. Praying in my closet wasn't really weird for me...I have adult ADD I think so in the past I came there when I was walking really close with God and needed to really focus with no distractions. So here I was....I wasn't sure why but I was there. I began to just worship God....I just said "You are holy" over and over again....then I began to cry and just ask, without words but in my heart, why I couldn't do this for Him, why I couldn't go wherever for Him, why He couldn't just make this happen for me, why I couldn't do big things for His glory....and then I opened my eyes and looked up the and a pearl bracelet of mine caught my attention. It was hanging on a jewlry rack on my closet wall and the light caught the pearls just enough for me to take notice, and as I looked at the bracelet I remember thinking man that is pretty.....and God began to bring back to me several snap shots of moments He had allowed me to be a blessing to someone for His glory.....these were really random moments that I had never thought brought Him glory....I hadn't even mentioned most of them to Sammy I mean I only talked about the big things I got to do. As I watched this slide show in my head it was like He was stringing together these really beautiful pearls....one by one....little by little.....these moments where pleasing to Him because it brought Him glory not me. I loved that prayer moment....but I am still understanding His full lesson for me.....I know now that I had made service for Him about glory for me.....and that He has something for me to do I just need to be ok with what it is. I am not saying that His plan isn't for us to go to the ends of the earth spreading the Gospel...maybe it is....what I am saying is He is making my heart okay with the fact it might not be....it might just be taking a sack of groceries to a struggling family.....or taking out the trash at the rescue mission.....He is stringing together pearls in life to make something beautiful for His glory. He is daily reminding me that it is an honor to serve Him and it has to be about Him and not me and not anyone else!! So I guess He has freed me up now to serve where He calls.... So my job in this.....is to treasure those pearls and obediently follow where He tells me to go to gather more!!! So now I wake up daily looking for pearls......

Seeing Jesus

One day a couple of weeks ago I asked Hannah and Ethan (Noah was there but not paying me one ounce of attention) if they could see Jesus. They both immediatley said yes. So I said you can??? Hannah said, "yes I see Jesus in my daddy when he hugs me and plays with me", then Ethan said "I see Jesus in Ms. Melissa cause she loves the poor more than her own self". Ms. Melissa is one of the founders of a local resuce mission in our hometown. There were two things that struck me about this exchange....the first was that both my children understood what Christ looks like in people and thus is the foundation to build that same character in them (I pray), and second was the impact people can have on my children without even knowing it. You see Ms. Melissa is someone we see at best monthly or maybe a couple of times a month. She isn't someone who spends a great deal of time with us or us with her, but in the small amount of time my kids see her she shows them Jesus!!!! So as I sit here today thinking about this....it leaves me really thankful for the people I see Jesus in that toucch our lives daily....but I am also greatful for the ones that we don't see often but when we do we catch an amzing glimpse of Christ in them. I hope and pray we are raising people who will show the world Jesus too!!

My Countenance radiates.....

I was doing my Bible Study today and this quote popped out at me from a book called "Prayers That Avail Much", it said "Happy am I because God is my Lord....That spirit of rejoicing joy and laughter is my heritage...my countenance radiates the joy of the Lord." It was a quote too scripture packed and too powerful for me to gloss over. I found Isaiah 51:11 " ....gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away". Early in that same verse it says that "everlasting joy will crown their heads". I love that!!! How much does wearing a crown of joy in Christ influence your countenance. Greatly I would think, then I began to think what a crown signifies. It gives a title...ie a queen is made known upon entering a room by her crown thus it gives an identity. A crown sets apart someone....or makes them different and lastly a crown comes with some responsibilities. A leader of a kingdom , if you will, must exercise that power with grace and compassion to others needs. You can be "crowned" by lots of things in this world.....money, success, envy, passion, love, stuff, etc. but will that "set you apart, give you an identity, or make you aware of others....I hope to be crowned by His joy so my sighing will flee away....I don't want to be left wearing a crown of emptiness. Its so easy to love the blessings of God and try to get joy from them.....they may bring happiness....but joy is only in Christ not His blessings. I pray to wear a crown of joy in Jesus and let what He blesses me with just "bedazzle" it if you will :) I hope my heritage to my children is my joy in Him that doesn't wavier with my momentary feelings of "happiness".....musings from snow day four!!!

Snow Days

Well we have been snowed in for the better part of three days now, and I am beginning to think maybe there is something wrong with us....you see we aren't sick of each other or being stuck here. We have really enjoyed a much needed slow down and the time together just the 5 of us. We have eaten too much and spent our days playing. So what you ask is so blog worthy about that....well one thing playing in the snow. The first two days Sammy took the big kiddos out to play in the snow in the afternoons while I stayed in side with a napping Noah. I would watch from the window secretly glad he was braving the cold and not me. I got a great kick out of them running and playing and falling in the snow, but no part of it really made me want any part of it. That all changed today. Sammy had to work all day from home so it was my turn to take them out...I mean in Oklahoma you take advantage of this much snow it doesn't happen often. So we take 20 minutes to bundle up to play only 30min :), but it was the best spent 30 minutes I have had in a long time. It was like a became a kid again. We ran in really tall snow drifts and fell in them up to my waist. We attempted the snowman with a group effort based around a master plan we came up with together. We threw snowballs and made a makeshift sled from our laundry basket. We blanketed the yard with snow angels and before we knew it our 30 min was up and daddy was telling us to come in. We weren't even cold....I never thought about how loud we were, or how cold it was, or what chore was next, or if we were late, our only thought was nothing.....just playing. I don't do this enough and honestly its hard to do that....I mean stuff does have to get done....someone must clean and cook and give baths if people want to live, eat, and smell good lol!!! But for today the half hour spent playing left me feeling rested and young....like a kid.....I even think I became a bit "cooler" in their eyes too....at least I am hoping!!! So you guessed it I have volunteered to take them out tomorrow!!! I mean after all kids gotta play!!!

" A Thankful Heart"

I am the worst, and I do mean the worst, at forgetting to "count my blessings" as they say. Most times it takes something viewed in contrast to my own situation to remind me how much God has blessed me. This really saddens me this morning. If I want to think in terms of comparison it should be in terms of what God has done for me and what I deserve. That is simple....God gave me life through Christ Jesus when what I deserve is eternal wrath for my sin. People don't really like to think of it this way because it makes God really big, a little scary, and very powerful....well guess what He is and we didn't make Him anything. But for every bit of power there is also grace, mercy, and love. Just sitting here thinking about Him sending His son to die for me....I mean just take a second and stop what you are doing and think.....you are breathing, you are thinking, you have a body with senses, created for what??? Its amazing it will humble you very quickly to think of creation and then stop and think about salvation in Christ. I could never do what He did and yet I forget so easily that I draw breath and that my tomorrow is possible because of Him, that me and my children and Sammy have an eternity that this earth can't touch. Its so easy to forget even tangible touchable blessings.....like being a mom, or having a home, or your health, but what about the blessing of drawing a breath this morning or the promise of living forever in heaven with your Creator......hard to wrap my head around but no doubt leaves me knowing I am here to somehow be used for His glory as a wife, mom, friend, stranger.....and leaves me thankful!
Phil 4:4 Rejoice today......He has breathed life into us and given us all we need for life

"All grown up with somewhere to go....Part 2"

I blogged about Hannah's first "non-cousin" ( I am aware that isn't actually a term) sleepover so only fitting that I blog about Ethan's very first sleepover away from home. It was with his cousin but all the same a very big deal. He and Jaxie (as we call him -Jaxon) had a big boy sleepover at Jaxon's last weekend. Ethan has been invited several times but always seemed to come up with a reason to stay home.....being that he is three these reasons were often random and hilarious, ie "its not Monday" or "my toys would miss me". This all changed last Saturday he decided he was ready and an invitation had most graciously been extended by Aunt Suzi the night before. Upon opening his eyes that morning it was upon us....and I do mean all of us....he talked incessantly about what they would play, watch, and eat. It was very cute and I am not going to lie....a little frustrating...you see Ethan can't tell time yet (obviously) so getting him to understand later was an all day event. Before he napped he came out with his Elmo pull along backpack and he assured me he had packed all he needed, but just because I am a mom and its what we do- I checked! He had a stuffed animal lamb thing, 6 hotwheels, a batman figure, a bolt, and a tractor.....whew I thought ...all the necessities :)! Underneath all that was a nice outfit for Church the next day and it matched, pajamas, and his toothbrush in a sandwich bag- WHAT I had to look again....could this be??? my child is as OCD as Sammy at age 3??? But upon further questioning it turns out Hannah helped with that part....you know because she has firsthand sleepover experience! The only thing missing... underwear, and when I asked him if he thought he might need clean ones he said in true Ethan fashion "mom you are hilarious". Not sure if that meant yes or no but he packed them. He left with Aunt Suz without hesitation and made it all night and I made it all night....which was shocking to me. Our house was quiet and less chaotic and well.... just not the same. I did get a call about 7am saying Ethan was ready to come home to which I would have jumped up to and ran out the door....had his daddy not already beat me to it!! So he is officially big and we are officially sad!

New Year

Well its that time of year again a time when we reflect on the past year and make a long list of things to do for next year. We don't do resolutions but we do try and learn something from our year prior and bring that lesson forward. So as I was reflecting about this past year....I guess whirlwind is the term that comes to mind. Its not bad just busy is what come to mind. We started the year in Moore and we end in Shawnee and in between we have decided to home school, prayed about becoming missionaries and found our place is here, watched Noah learn to walk, and decided to start a business. The feeling I am mostly left with is tiredness....lol. We have been so blessed but in the midst of blessing I see parts of us still reaching for the "next" and the "after that". Don't get me wrong nothing wrong with wanting more or to grow in this way or the other.....just feel like we could have done more "just living" being present in the day and with the people God puts in our path. Those people could be family, friends, or the lady in front of me at Walmart. There is a lot of freedom in having your eternity sealed up in Christ....freedom to sit still sometimes, freedom to take the time to get to know someone, and freedom to love with abandon others around you. Sometimes even in spite of this freedom...I run from one activity to another with little thought of people or even what I am doing.....but I am checking it off the list. I don't mean to say that we shouldn't keep everything in "eternal perspective" ....on the contrary its because of our eternal perspective we can take a "moment" to breath, love, and live. Grace isn't achieved it was given by Christ and because of this I can let myself and my "to do" list off the hook sometimes and just experience His grace. So this year I hope to sit more, laugh more, take time to take some good pictures w/ my camera and my mind :), breath deep, feel guilt less often, love with abandon, and enjoy the moments with people He brings into my path. 2011 is a year of being present in the now.....because I know where my future is!